WHAT THE FUCK!?!
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| Some people have a pocketful of miracles, not me, I have a pocketful of crazy. |
What was the point? I can't remember now. Alan can't support us for another four months on his reduced income and I can't be selfish and ask him to try. A few weeks was barely acceptable for me. But four months? No. Dear gods, who the hell is in charge of this bureaucracy and how do I fire them and get someone with some fucking common sense??
I haven't been sitting here off work because I love having nothing to do with myself and feeling like I'm wasting my life. I am in PAIN! The very last day I worked I came home and sobbed, wracking sobs because I was in agony from sitting at work. I hid in the bathrooms crying because I couldn't handle the stress. I used scalpels to cut myself to ease the emotional pain. I wanted to DIE and two years ago October I tried to kill myself! Does that indicate mental stability to you? I'm losing the one medication that seems to have stemmed that extreme response. I wonder what happens next.
Why the hell would my doctor list me as disabled if I were able to work?? Dear Social Security Disability people, please get your heads out of your asses and understand that I am a real person, in real pain with a real need for your pittance of an income so my husband doesn't have to stress out so much trying to support us. I'm so tired of worrying about paying for medication, bills, and food.
What was I thinking? Believing I deserved an actual life, not just a survival or existence? I have been such a fool.
I'm going to make one of the med switches now and get it over with. No one can job hunt or work and go through withdrawal. I can't. I can't work, I sure as hell can't work going through all that too.
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