Decisions, decisions, decisions

So, even though they're late, the pharmacy has flagged a medication conflict.  I have to reduce my dose of Valium to 1/3 of what it is now if I want to manage my pain with a narcotic.  Most pain medications are narcotics.  If I don't do it I can die.  I can just fall asleep and never wake up again.

I've tried so many medications to manage the pain that I think I've exhausted the non-narcotics.  We tried gabapentin and it threw me into a several days long panic attack.

I've tried anti-depressants, combinations of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers to manage the mental health issues.  I finally find an anti-anxiety med that seems to help a bit and now I have to drop down to a less than therapeutic dose.  We started at 15mg per day and had to bump to 30 mg per day because it wasn't working.  WTF?

My moods are getting more unstable because I don't have as much of the stabilizer and will have less in a couple of days til I'm completely off.

I feel like I have to choose now between holding onto a little bit of sanity or coming off all pain medications and dealing with the full-pain.  I understand why I have to reduce the Valium but it still sucks ass.

It would have been helpful if the psych nurse and my pdoc would actually listen to me.  I'm not changing pain meds because the pain is out of control, it's financial!  And the pain is not why I'm panicked and anxious!!!  FUCK!  Why won't they listen to me?  I don't understand.

I feel so stuck.  My options suck.  How am I going to live beyond mere survival or existence??

Negative today for sure.  Panicked just because I could die.  I could just fall asleep and never wake up again.  I already fall asleep if I stop moving.  They say it's because my breathing is being depressed.  That's not the only thing that's depressed.