On Hold

I just spent one of the best and very emotional weekends of my life, with my girls and Alan,  that I've had in a very long time.  I'm so used to having emotional and mental crashes after weekends or even one day like this that I'm on hold, waiting to see what's going to happen and babying myself for the day.

I was elated and grieving all in one moment several times this weekend.  I had to keep fighting with myself to keep my focus on the present and in the moment instead of in the past or the future or on the huge transitions I'm going through.  Yesterday B and I wandered around the mall and I found it hard to enjoy myself, it felt like the last time we'd do anything like that again.  Last night the three of us shared laughs watching one of our favorite comedians.  I didn't dwell on what it meant or didn't mean, I just enjoyed it.

I was successful in losing myself and just enjoying the moment throughout the weekend often enough that I feel like things can get better.  I just have to remember it's a matter of changing my thinking and controlling my focus.

I actually found a positive in one of the transitions.  I never thought I'd be able to this soon; it's a blessing.

Even though I woke up, and still feel, anxious today I feel a little bit lighter.  Maybe the antidepressant is beginning to help but I think the bigger help is that I had a HUGE emotional purge Saturday night.  Alan and B had one of their comedy shows (they go back and forth giving each other a rough time and it's absolutely hilarious) and I ended up laughing so hard I was crying and I couldn't breathe.  I finally had to beg them to stop so I could catch my breath.  It was good but a little melancholy too because of the transition.  That seems to sum up every day right now, every interaction, melancholy and bittersweet.  But I'm building memories in overdrive.  I don't know if my family understands what or why I'm doing it but I'm thankful they're happy to do it with me.  I need them.

I'm working out a plan to help myself feel more connected to the World and humanity on my own terms.  I watched a couple of talk shows this morning and I watched the news.  I need to be in touch with what is going on around me in the World in order to alleviate my sense of isolation.  This is step one.  Step two is simple on the surface, get out and interact with people, make friends and socialize.  I believe this one will take lots of baby steps to complete.  But it's worth it right?  I hope so.

From Lost to More Lost

I was already in an identity crisis, who am I if I'm not a Mom but a Mother now?  I no longer have children who need a Mom.  They're grown and the last one is moving out in early December.

I have been a mental patient of my psych team for a few years now and somehow I became Alan's patient too.  He became my caregiver, taking care of me when I'm not able to do it for myself.  It feels like I am his wife only on paper.

If you had asked me just three weeks ago what the biggest issue in my life was I would have said it was my marriage. Not so today.

Last week Alan was dealt the worst blow a man like him can be dealt.  He was fired and I know a lot of people say it but it's true, he didn't do anything wrong other than trust the wrong people.  That is not something he can be blamed for.  Some of the worst people are so good at pretending to be trustworthy that they slip under the radar of the most cautious of us.  One of these people was just such a person.  He vented to her and for some unknown reason she got a bug up her cooter and hatched a plan with one of Alan's co-workers (who doesn't like Alan because Alan expected him to actually *gasp* work!) to accuse Alan of threatening this man.  There is a lot Alan won't tell me about it because apparently they're continuing to embellish as they go along.

I'm being selfish now and I feel guilty for it but I'm scared, worried, lost, confused, and unsteady.

What now?  Who will I be now?  No longer a Mom, no longer a wife, and now no longer a more stable mental patient.  Being fired means we lose health insurance, which means we lose our medications that we can't afford.

For me that means I lose the mood stabilizer that has kept me from raging, abusing, hallucinating, questioning which reality was real.  It means I lose my muscle relaxers for my chronic pain and will have to switch from one that works a little bit to one I have no idea about... it means I have to go through withdrawal from my main pain medication and taper off of my mood stabilizer.

I can already feel the rages coming back.  I can feel things knocking around in my head but I don't know what they are yet.  What will happen to me?  I'm fantasizing about cutting again.  The only thing that has stopped me so far are the large and painful scars on my left arm.  My scars keloid and the nerves don't grow back together right as the cut heals.  They burn, they itch, and they hurt.  They're embarrassing, and I have developed a habit of hiding them the best I can from view.  I don't want more like that but I know I can cut in places they can be hidden.  Unfortunately, I cut my arms because I'm stuck somewhere between passive and active suicidal.  How long before being trapped in my brain and stuck in the mental/emotional pain will it be until I cut again?  What if I cut too deep?  What if??

I can't check myself into the psych ward to protect myself.  I can only make myself a promise on a day to day basis.  "I won't cut."  "I won't cut today."

I'm scared.  I'm angry.  I don't want to lose my lucidity.  I don't want to lose the peace I've had.  I don't want to lose the trust I've rebuilt with Alan.  I don't want to hurt my loved ones or myself.  I don't want to go through withdrawal!  It's not fair!!  I feel like I'm a kid in the corner crying, sucking her thumb, snuggling a dirty teddy bear, and rocking back and forth wishing for a Mommy to hold and rock her.

I'm scared of all the 'what ifs'.