On Hold

I just spent one of the best and very emotional weekends of my life, with my girls and Alan,  that I've had in a very long time.  I'm so used to having emotional and mental crashes after weekends or even one day like this that I'm on hold, waiting to see what's going to happen and babying myself for the day.

I was elated and grieving all in one moment several times this weekend.  I had to keep fighting with myself to keep my focus on the present and in the moment instead of in the past or the future or on the huge transitions I'm going through.  Yesterday B and I wandered around the mall and I found it hard to enjoy myself, it felt like the last time we'd do anything like that again.  Last night the three of us shared laughs watching one of our favorite comedians.  I didn't dwell on what it meant or didn't mean, I just enjoyed it.

I was successful in losing myself and just enjoying the moment throughout the weekend often enough that I feel like things can get better.  I just have to remember it's a matter of changing my thinking and controlling my focus.

I actually found a positive in one of the transitions.  I never thought I'd be able to this soon; it's a blessing.

Even though I woke up, and still feel, anxious today I feel a little bit lighter.  Maybe the antidepressant is beginning to help but I think the bigger help is that I had a HUGE emotional purge Saturday night.  Alan and B had one of their comedy shows (they go back and forth giving each other a rough time and it's absolutely hilarious) and I ended up laughing so hard I was crying and I couldn't breathe.  I finally had to beg them to stop so I could catch my breath.  It was good but a little melancholy too because of the transition.  That seems to sum up every day right now, every interaction, melancholy and bittersweet.  But I'm building memories in overdrive.  I don't know if my family understands what or why I'm doing it but I'm thankful they're happy to do it with me.  I need them.

I'm working out a plan to help myself feel more connected to the World and humanity on my own terms.  I watched a couple of talk shows this morning and I watched the news.  I need to be in touch with what is going on around me in the World in order to alleviate my sense of isolation.  This is step one.  Step two is simple on the surface, get out and interact with people, make friends and socialize.  I believe this one will take lots of baby steps to complete.  But it's worth it right?  I hope so.