On Hold

I just spent one of the best and very emotional weekends of my life, with my girls and Alan,  that I've had in a very long time.  I'm so used to having emotional and mental crashes after weekends or even one day like this that I'm on hold, waiting to see what's going to happen and babying myself for the day.

I was elated and grieving all in one moment several times this weekend.  I had to keep fighting with myself to keep my focus on the present and in the moment instead of in the past or the future or on the huge transitions I'm going through.  Yesterday B and I wandered around the mall and I found it hard to enjoy myself, it felt like the last time we'd do anything like that again.  Last night the three of us shared laughs watching one of our favorite comedians.  I didn't dwell on what it meant or didn't mean, I just enjoyed it.

I was successful in losing myself and just enjoying the moment throughout the weekend often enough that I feel like things can get better.  I just have to remember it's a matter of changing my thinking and controlling my focus.

I actually found a positive in one of the transitions.  I never thought I'd be able to this soon; it's a blessing.

Even though I woke up, and still feel, anxious today I feel a little bit lighter.  Maybe the antidepressant is beginning to help but I think the bigger help is that I had a HUGE emotional purge Saturday night.  Alan and B had one of their comedy shows (they go back and forth giving each other a rough time and it's absolutely hilarious) and I ended up laughing so hard I was crying and I couldn't breathe.  I finally had to beg them to stop so I could catch my breath.  It was good but a little melancholy too because of the transition.  That seems to sum up every day right now, every interaction, melancholy and bittersweet.  But I'm building memories in overdrive.  I don't know if my family understands what or why I'm doing it but I'm thankful they're happy to do it with me.  I need them.

I'm working out a plan to help myself feel more connected to the World and humanity on my own terms.  I watched a couple of talk shows this morning and I watched the news.  I need to be in touch with what is going on around me in the World in order to alleviate my sense of isolation.  This is step one.  Step two is simple on the surface, get out and interact with people, make friends and socialize.  I believe this one will take lots of baby steps to complete.  But it's worth it right?  I hope so.

Melting Down

It seems like I am spending most of every day melting down and crying my eyes out and the rest of it trying to suck it up and make the sadness go away.

The sadness is ever present in my heart and my mind.  I'm grieving losses, I'm stuck in loneliness, and I can't seem to define myself.  I stopped having fun a while ago and I can't seem to start again.

My heart is breaking for me and all the time I feel like I've lost and am losing.  I feel like I've missed out on life and like it's over or will be over soon and I don't know how to stop feeling this way.  I don't know how to stop thinking this way.  "Focus on the positives" "It's all in your mind, you can change it".  True and true but (you knew there had to be a but) I'm not very successful very often or for very long.  I try to pretend that B is just going off to school but my heart feels like she's leaving forever.  My head knows this is the end of being "Mom" in the sense of mothering her.

I am so depressed and so sad that I want so badly to ask her to stay with me.  How could I even think that?  It's so incredibly selfish but there it is.  I don't want my baby to leave home, to leave me.  I love her to pieces and she's been my friend.  She kept me company when Alan was at work late at night.  She's been my buddy since she was born.  She's been Alan's buddy too.

I'm proud of her.  It's been a bumpy road this past year or so as she started asserting herself and taking more control of her own life.  Choosing her own direction and going for it.  Detaching from Mom and Dad and doing her own thing.  She's so single-minded and determined to do this thing and accomplish her goal.  I to admire that. I try to focus on that and pretend that she's just going away to school for a little while, to console myself.

To add insult to injury Alan can't go with us to see her off when she ships out or when she graduates from basic training like we'd planned.  I want him there with us, we had plans, we were going to make a vacation of it before she heads off to Florida for school for two years.  I'm sad for all of us and I wish I could think of a way to fix it.  Where's the effing rewind button?!  I can't say goodbye to her for both of us.  I can't do it alone!  I don't want to do it alone dammit!

But what about me?  What do I do now?  I need to get my depression under control no doubt about it.  I've slowly slid into depression ever since it hit me that she's leaving but all the mental health meds I was on kept it kind of under control.  Now that I'm off most of the meds there is nothing to control the depression at all.

I need to find something to do that's my own.  I need friends.  I need to learn to have fun again.  I want to be happy and have fun again.  I want to feel connected to the World and it'd be nice to feel like a real person again too.  I hope that's not asking too much; to live the rest of my life as I am now would be torture.